No, no, no….
This isn’t another article about “Bike Theft.
If that’s the sort of “nastiness’ that you’re into, then you can click open an extra window HERE with details of some dirty deeds on Queen West here in Toronto. Or you can consider how Myths can become bigger than the Man by skipping straight to the new comic book about Igor ‘The Terrible’ Kenk.
What we’re really talking about here actually, is a truly naughty kind of nastiness. A kink that not very many people have likely ever even considered before…If you’re feeling impulsive, then just CLICK HERE for a quick peek at some very soft-core Dutch “Bike Porn” !
Otherwise, here’s the setup for the sex scene below…
I’m not normally drawn in by pervy headlines, but it all started with a piece of ‘news’ where a man in the U.K was somehow caught “simulating” sex with his bike… Alright…So that’s pretty freakin’ perverted, so let’s not even bother going there.
Then, I was reading about the, ‘ ecological’ benefits of “Green Sex Toys”. At first, this all seemed to be more about producing toys (uhm products) that are really more environmentally friendly to manufacture, and as a result, Non-Toxic for their “users”. Since I’m a firm supporter of the more expensive silicon based products out there (for all sorts of health and safety reasons), it horrified me to think of what types of nasty toxins and pathogens those cheap, toxic, plastics and PVC’s and other “rubber” compounds could be introducing into some peoples most delicate tissues. Anyhow, it turns out that the “Green Toy” label doesn’t just apply to materials, but also to the toy designs that offer hand-cranked power to eliminate batteries. Anyhow, I’ll leave you to do your own research in that area, in the privacy of your home. Speaking of good hard cranking though, let’s get back to our Hot Bikes idea.
So all these articles have reminded me of a woman that I knew years ago (names withheld to protect privacy), who had a bike named “Mike” which she she rode with great glee. Mike sported a well worn seat (Brooks, I believe it was) that featured a rather long and slender ‘saddle horn’. I still recall thinking to myself that it seemed like her seat was adjusted to a very odd angle, and that it was also the smoothest, most well polished old leather saddle that I’d ever seen, but since her boyfriend was a bike mechanic I just presumed that surely this was just the way she liked to have her seat setup.
I once asked him about this, since not only was he a pretty innovative bike mechanic, but also a great metal sculpture, and “Mike” was stored in the same workshop where we would toss back many a Sleeman Lager while talking about all manner of Social and Cycling issues. In fact it was in that same well equipped shop/studio where I was first inspired to start undertaking more challenging repairs on my own bike. But I digress. Let it suffice to say that there was absolutely nothing too sacred or taboo that we couldn’t talk about down there, but curiously when it came to “Mike” he would just scowl in the bikes general direction, and say “She likes that bike way more than me”.
Awhile later that Summer, I recall seeing Charlotte (oops!) and Mike together on the Martin Goodman Trail. Actually she zipped right past me as I was relaxing on a trailside bench, and this is where I first noticed her unique riding style…Suddenly I fully understood her preference for such an unusually long seatpost, and the oddly/upwardly tilted horn. She seemed VERY pleased as she pumped away in a most energetic fashion, with full leg extensions that caused her hips to rock back an forth. Rather than try to describe this to you, I’ll offer you this Dutch video that perfectly re-creates the results…I’m certain. Perhaps I might even inspire a few of you to pull out your Allen keys and crescent wrenches and try your hand at abit of ‘bike maintenance’ yourselves? I mean, could there possibly be a greener toy for you to enjoy riding around on?